For mpesa the one testicled man was king

Sometime i really get frustrated at a little something called protocol. I know the title may be termed as a tad misleading but i got it from the saying “in the land of eunuchs, the one testicled man was king”. Crass? It’s about to go downhill then.[ps. i got both testicles intact]

In Kenya there is a money transfer system which has revolutionalized transactions and the way business is run. It has been termed brilliant and empowering and all that business “professional” bullshit. To me it also reflects the number gormless idiots live in this country. In the terms i directly used on some of them, a bunch of dumb fucks.

I understand how the system has helped businesses grow and i know how it has eased out the issue of unemployment(to a degree). I also get how it has helped the government in terms of tax, so that our stupid MP’s get something more to waste. But some of the logic does not compute…in latin it’s something along the lines of non sequitur(?).

Anyway, the part of the logic that fails me is when it comes to depositing. Since time immemorial when the first caveman offered shell storage services where other cavemen came to deposit their excess shells for storage till a rainy day, he never asked the cavemen to show their identifying rocks before depositing. Or biting a clay template or some shit like that. That habit was carried down over the centuries to todays banks where you aren’t required to produce identifying documents to deposit money. I can’t go into deeper details about why it isn’t necessary except by saying banks earn from the money saved with them. They are gentlemen and have a limit to how far they will screw you…unless you are taking a loan or mortgage.

Today I forgot to carry my id….-fuck it-, i didn’t forget to carry my ID. I am a  proud Kenyan and love my freedom so i never carry my id because i am free to walk around anywhere in this country without having to produce my identification documents to anyone. As long as I’m not infringing on anybody’s rights so i have the right to do whatever the fuck i want to do whenever the heck i want. So i needed to send some cash urgently and hit the first vendor(that’s what they’re called, right?) and it was easy, didn’t need documents but their float was several thousands less than what i needed to deposit, so i just deposited what was available and moved to the next one.
This is where i got ticked off. So the lady, a nice looking lady, kinda easy on the eyes, got around asking my number; i told her, asked me if i had an id, i shrugged. she looks at me and asks me whether i had my id, i told her no, coz i was making a deposit, not a withdrawal. She looks at me and without batting an eyelid tells me i cant make a deposit without my national identity card or passport. Without batting an eyelid i look at her squarely and told her to go fuck herself, turned and left. Ok, i didnt tell her to go fuck herself…ok i did.
At the next place i was a bit more open to reasoning with stupid people. So the conversation goes:
“hi[stupid people], i would like to deposit”
“K, you have your national id card”
*Shrugs*
“What’s your number?”
“072 asterix asterix asterix…etc”
“Where’s your id?”
“I don’t need it”
“excuse me [finger snap] but you need your id to deposit”[ok, I've exaggerated]
“*bored face*i know the number off-head…it’s my id ainnit?”
At this point i was bored, but i had already exhausted my weekly quota of “go fuck yourself”s so my attitude changed to something akin to patience. So i go:
“why do you need my id?”
“Because it’s required”
“Yes, we’ve already established that[inner groan], i mean why do you need it?”
“To identify you”
“I have my health insurance card with me, acceptable in most institutions for identification purposes”
The last bit was drawn out in a duh kind of way…seriously! stupid people.
“When you are typing out your thing, do you enter my id number anywhere?”
“No, but we need it to know it is you who is depositing”
“huh? never mind. After you deposit to my number, what happens? On my side i get a confirmation text, yours?”
“We also get a confirmation text”
“Good, we’re getting somewhere now!
“In that confirmation text…YOUR vendor confirmation text, is the id number featured anywhere?”
“No”
“So why do you need my id again?”
“[instead of a light bulb, a candle flickers somewhere in her TINY TINY brain only to get extinguished] To identify you”
“In this whole process why is my id needed when any identifying documents would suffice?”
“To know that it is you”
“[inner groan] Look here(stupid), i have a document whose names match the names returned in the confirmation sms. Isn’t that enough? I mean, if i could fake the names in your confirmation sms wouldn’t that mean the integrity of the whole mpesa process is compromised?”
“huh”
“i mean, it’s not necessary to require an id to DE-PO-SIT[mouthed syllable by syllable for emphasis] money… even banks don’t require that part! coz it’s redundant!”
“We need your id to deposit money”
“You know what, GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!”
And i left.
For those who don’t see the logic, or lack of it in this case…well maybe you’re reading the wrong blog…perhaps… And i bid your farewell.
Keep safe

Write thinking: of things bipolar and others relationship

There isn't enough light to read so i just decided to do a write think.
Today they opened up the new museum roundabout. Guessing it's now the museum hill fly over. Drivers are confused because they are used to the roundabouts. Irony here stems from the fact that the current traffic snarlup is more serious than before. Teething problems perhaps.
Anyway as usual my mind goes to my girlfriend…former. I'm playing alot of slow music trying to stifle the panic i feel rising in my chest. The only reason i'm holding it together so well is the unusually large amount of bipolar meds i've resorted to taking.
The chemist is starting to get suspicious because i've been there almost everyday buying stuff they aren't allowed to sell without a prescription. But i have a legitimate prescription and with one of the pills going at 200ksh a pill and the other at 60ksh i guess they can't let the business go just like that. But a little online research revealed that it's actually almost impossible to overdose on medication for controlling the fluctuating of noradrenalin in the brain. In laymans language that means i can't die if i popped the whole freakin bottle(th term 'bottle' is loosely used for illustration of quantity…the pills actually come in blister packs).

Anyway i can't really tear her a new one here because it was probably my fault(probably is used loosely here in place of definitely). I'm not angry, just sorry that something good went to waste when it was still salvageable.
Only a few people can see the pain i'm trying to hide. My work has actually improved, incredible, right? Classic overcompensation at work.

A recent statistic i read indicates that 90% of relationships in which either or both of the partners are bipolar are bound to fail. However it has been established that that statistic is a farce. The relationships require more work but with a little bit of endurance they may work out. In general, the general success/failure rate of bipolar relationships is not alarmingly different from the normal ones.

Anyway what makes bipolar relationships so significantly different(i'm not contradicting myself)?
Out of the top of my head i'll say the level of awareness about mental health in kenya is pretty low. I'm bipolar yet when my psychiatrist explained it to me i was actually surprised and in awe! I have since then accepted the fact that bipolar is a disease just like diabetes and requires constant medication. Now you see why i'm not mad at her for leaving me? Untreated bipolar is a ticking timebomb and my shrink was the only person aware over how close to the edge i had come. When i told him of the note i'd written, albeit a clichéd one he turned white and didn't want me to leave his office. I had everything planned, i'd also written an email quitting my job and the only thing that kept my boss from getting it was that i'd left my laptop at the office the previous day and i'd run out of airtime meaning the email got stuck in the drafts in the gmail application. So yes, bipolar is a serious disease if left untreated. Some of the sideeffects to the medication are particularly evil, but thank God i'm alive, yes?

The strange thing about bipolar is how effectively it screws with logic so that i can go from being the most rational person on earth to exhibiting the symptoms of a crazy person to depressed, no definitive segue. During that period in my head i know i'm doing one thing but to an observer i'm doing something totally different. The closest i have is by using the analogy of a pencil and you are the artist. Normally you have a clear visual in your head of what you want to draw. So you take a pencil and clean paper and set out to draw the image in your head. Eventually at the end what you have drawn is nothing like the image you had in your head. With a bipolar person during a cycle/spell the same thing happens to normal functions.

Eventually you get tired of explaining your actions and why you said or did some things and just lay there and take the blame and fire. But one thing most people don't realize is that it may be difficult to associate with a bipolar person especially an unmedicated person, but we are still human inside. We need love just like everyone else and we aren't crazy. The only difference is we need medicine to control our moods and interpersonal relationships.
I guess i should have found a way of getting my girlfriend to research more about bipolar but c'est la vie. Better to have loved and lost etc.
I'll end by talking about mental health awareness. People who are mentally sick are not necessarily asylum material. Sometimes mental sickness is so subtle you never realize it's there until it's almost too late, like in my case since it'd gotten to the level i'd accepted it as normal behaviour. Bipolar people are not a danger to society but they are a danger to themselves. If you ever notice significant shifts in the mood of your better other and behavior shifts, chances are they are bipolar. I'm told it's actually more common than people realize.
Look after your mental health. You just might save that relationship you value so much. And i'm at the end of my journey and coincidentally this entry. Keep well my friends

Write Thinking: Matatu Trip

This entry is kind of different since i’m doing it on the go. It’s based on a style of writing i picked from a good friend.
The matatu i’m in inches forward. I look outside at the flyover being constructed by wu yi and co. It looks really stable but i can’t help but note a flaw in the system but then again i’m not an engineer to determine the structure of struts, girders and all.
The matatu inches forward several meters. In the background they are playing kenny rogers’ gambler. I think of trump cards and my thoughts stray to my girlfriend. Relationships have interesting dynamics. Personally, i usually avoided them because of all the emotional investment they require, meaning before you get into one you have to be triple, quadruple sure of the person you’re doing it with. I am happy, some rough patches here and there, but it’s all good.
Yaay, the traffic is moving at least. I look around the vehicle. I’m seated near the back so i have vantage position. I remember my shrink asking me about my fears. His question had been specific at first, ‘Ben, in a matatu do you pick the vantage point maybe because you are scared of an accident and dying.’
Of course i told him as long as i’m not sitting between two people, i’m good to go. Of course by now he also knows i barely have any phobias. Self imposed shock therapy worked magic for me. Why i’m seeing a shrink is a story for another day.
The matatu is really eating the asphalt now. Progress. I look at the pretty girl in at the back and smile. No flirting. I’m smiling because the guy next to her has his pits next to her face. Smile is evil now…haha.
I think of my job. The paradox that is my personality comes into question over its usefulness. I don’t know whether it is because i stayed so long without having my bipolar treated or what is the cause, but i am a child of two worlds. When my girlfriend calls me a geek, i always correct her and say half-geek. Reason being I’m at home in the forest or ocean depth(been there done all that) as well as behind a pc.
Back to my job. I know i love coding, the money in it may not be all that especially compared to alternative careers i could easily get into but i stay on for the love of the code. Coding is like poetry, but with methods and properties.
The outside is just a blur now and i think of my best friend (former). I recently realized i have more female friends than male. I guess it has something to do with having daddy issues. Though in retrospect as a kid i grew up with pretty girls all around me and i am used to getting hit on, though that is neither here or there since i’m write thinking(picked that from another friend).
15minutes and i’ll be home. Been on the road for a little bit over half an hour now. Short journey.
Now onto me. I like this trip because i get to think. Sometimes i get too conscious of my being ‘ergo tum’. It’s not always a good thing, me reflecting over me, especially now that i’ve run out of meds and can’t afford them for the next week or so. I’m usually too curious in testing the limits of my existence. I have this theory about death. It’s really straight forward actually. If you are not scared of dying then you won’t die. Sometimes i wonder, is it really that bad? I mean if the other side was so horrible wouldn’t somebody have escaped and let out a warning before being dragged back. So yes, i believe in an afterlife. Life in itself is inexplicable, and i know this might be a fallacy, but the existence of life justifies the existence of an afterlife, cogito ergo sum. It is arguable whether all sentient beings continue on after they die but i believe animals also probably have a thereafter.
Anyway i’ve reached the end of my journey which means this session of write thinking is over.
Keep well my friends.

Whom Do You Believe In

Funny story where i got the topic for this entry. An episode of Tom and Jerry where tom had read in a book that a cornered mouse is harmless. Then got the crap beat out of him when he managed to corner jerry. Regardless of where i got the heading, this will be one of my more serious entries. Politics and things politician.
I dabble in the philosophy behind politics sometimes and upfront, my views may seem naive and one sided. But i represent a considerable chunk of the populace, the 20sth year olds with access to information and influenced by social networks, though i drew the line at planking. Most of the time when politicians refer to the youth, they mean me and like minded others.
What does politics mean to me and what influences my voting criteria? Politicians promise a lot of things, they come bearing words of development, jobs, and more money…same old things we heard them promise when we were kids but somehow when they get into power forces beyond them change their mindset and the people get nothing.
I have a job, i was lucky i didn’t have to rely on politicians to get it otherwise i’d have been among the thousands of university students wasting away at home waiting on promises of a brighter future. At least i can safely say i’m no longer hustling, but thousands are and most are already in despair, and they are degree holders! But i’ll skip that for now, i’ve established there is desperation among a large chunk of th population.
A question we ask all the time is how come we see the same old useless politicians getting voted into power all the time? Aren’t people sick and tired of being the politician’s bitch year after year as they rob the taxpayer’s money? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people(kenyans). Don’t people get tired of seeing on the news the minister for agriculture or special needs ask ‘what drought, who died?’ When kenya gives Japan, a fucking DEVELOPED country, $1million there is no outcry.
My generation must be retarded or just plain stupid. Come voting time somebody will argue they won’t vote because the same old leaders will come into power. Won’t bother explaining the flaw in that argument.
My generation is the java generation, not the programming language, but the coffee place. My generation watches the news and is pissed at what the politicians are doing to our beautiful country. But that is soon forgotten. We’ll sign an online petition and our duty to our country is done. My generation doesn’t produce leaders it produces coffee zombies and sexual deviants. We are happy enough just to get laid and live like there is no tomorrow, like there are no diseases, like we won’t have kids whom we would want to have a happy future and a country they’d be proud of. My generation loves twitter, tv series, spoken word and to fuck!
I admit this entry won’t have a second draft and as such the ideas will not necessarily flow logically.
I’ll go back to myself. I am a 20sth year old waiting to vote next year, my views represent the views of many of my peers. What am i looking for when picking who to vote for?
Age? Am i looking to vote for somebody closer to my age? My answer will be no. when i look at somebody like eugene all i see is a spineless little punk trying to ride the ghost of his dead brother and since spirits aren’t tangible i see a little boy stumbling in the dark holding onto delusions of grandeur.
When i look at a politician like martha karua i have semblance of hope. Somebody determined to make a mark through actions not words. Instead of laying back and complaining ‘oh, women aren’t getting support because all the men have taken everything’(i don’t like fida…cunts) she plays it as an equal. She may not have the money but she has that fighting spirit you can’t help but love. Maybe she’s lying through her teeth like everyone else but come tomorrow she is the one i’d most likely vote for, emphasis on ‘most likely’. I have my doubts when it comes to some of the politicians she associates with like one mbuvi. But that is a story for another day.
Another politician that gets my interest is peter kenneth although i have big doubts over whether he can take the game to the big boys the way martha does. He would probably be my ideal candidate come 2017 but not 2012.
Anyway my decision is not based on tribe otherwise several others would appear but i refuse to contribute to their online presence by mentioning them especially one mr wiper. Anyway i’ve run out of characters since i’m on my phone so hopefully i’ll fill in the missing blanks once i get to my laptop.
Keep well, vote wisely

Conversations

Another day with the funk, second one this year. My reasoning is since i’ve caught on this one, albeit late(by a couple of days).

So, for two years i’ve been living in denial. The thought of having to take medication for the rest of my life and it’s not my fault is more depressing than what i have, because there is no denying the latter does have it’s awesome moments.

So, what is it like living with something you barely believe exists? I’ll let my conversation with my now imaginary doctor paint the picture…

Ben: Hello, ben speaking

Doc: THE Ben?

Ben: Yup, in the flesh…uh, i mean voice *awkward pause*

Doc: So, how can i help you?

Ben: You remember that thing that you told me that i have so i stopped coming?

Doc: You mean the bipolar?

Ben: uh…maybe…

Doc: ben? We talked about this…you have to learn to say it out loud.

Ben: love it how you say my name

Doc: ben!

Ben: yeah, i kinda believe you now…

Doc: kinda?

Ben: this is a big step for me, man…too much at stake

Doc: So you want to get medicated huh? You know i can’t give them to you just like that, we have to identify blah blah blah [medical jargon here] to come up with specific treatment.

Ben: *sigh* yeah i know, bt it’s not lk it’s AIDS where i hv to take the pills all the time, everyday

Doc: why did you call me then, if you aren’t planning on listening?

Ben: I’d missed you

Doc: why do i put up with you?

Ben: ok. Ok…sorry! i just want it to go away and i can be a me i can control again

Doc: Morbid thoughts again?

Ben: Yep. This time it’s worse because i’m not scared of them at all…i visualize it and it doesn’t seem so bad. The end seems…peaceful. You think God would punish me for something He gave me in the first place, theoretically assuming i go through with it of course.

Doc: Have you told your family yet?

Ben: No! It’s my problem and i’ll sort it out myself!

Doc: Girlfriend?

Ben: Doesn’t have the whole picture…

Doc: And you seriously believe you can do this alone?

Ben: I’m a big boy, been through worse and came out still breathing!

Doc: It’s going be hard. Why are you so insistent on going it alone?

Ben: Because i don’t wan’t anyone’s pity. Pity is for puppies(typo for using default t9 value)

Doc: You know the big risk in that. You can’t have a relationship with the people you love yet you leave out important things. Omitting important facts intentionally constitutes to lying even if you are doing it thinking you are protecting them. Because you are not. You are just a scared little boy thinking you’ll get rejected for being what you are.

Ben: *suprised* jeez! Ok, i kinda get it!

Doc: Kinda again?

Ben: Ok, i get it.

Doc: what made you call me?

Ben: coz i’m spiraling back into the funk and i’m ready to admit i was wrong about being able to handle it myself…if at all.

Doc: good. Now, will you let your family in on your condition?

Ben: i doubt it.

Doc: *groans* girlfriend?

Ben: *shrugs* i don’t know. Maybe. I doubt it.

Doc: suit yourself. Just remember, complacency here might lead to your undoing. Get th first step out of the way quickly. Then you will have a better quality life.

Ben: Yes mom.

Doc: Excuse me?

Ben: Just kidding, i joke when faced with impossible decisions.

Doc: So you will think about what i have just told you?

Ben: Of course

I’ll admit the role of the doctor has been played by my conscience. I’m increasingly learning to listen to it so as not to screw up.

Anyway, the funk has never killed anyone….that i know of….um…that i know in person. But it does fuck up relationships, i’ve seen. I don’t know anyone living with it to be able to share experiences. Mine have been mostly denial and occasional bouts of acceptance(but within the depression environment) though.

After all the self evaluation you eventually realize there is really not much you can do when it comes to psychological messes. Part of the reason is most people have no idea what goes on in the mind of a funky person. On my part i never talk about it because it might come out looking like an excuse for being who i am and how i behave. You eventually learn to live with the consequences of your action even on factors that were beyond your grip, but one thing i want to come out clear: when it happens, most of the time i confuse the symptoms with other things like stress, depression or euphoria(in the case of the manic cycle). The big difference is the symptoms/manifestation disappear suddenly and i’m back to normal.

The best way to give a visual on bipolar is this.You are on the beach, strolling casually enjoying the sun on your skin and the breeze in your face. Somewhere under the ocean an earthquake is occurring; too far away for you to feel the shock waves. Out of nowhere, the ocean “overflows” and in seconds you are swallowed up then dumped inland. Assuming you don’t drown you find yourself on dry land again, a bit wet with wreckage around you, and you barely have an idea what happened. To stretch out the scenario a bit, you have to be accountable for the damage and live with it. Simply because if you say something like “bu…buh…but it was the ocean that did it” is just using excuses.

Who said life was fair anyway. Seen people go through worse for things beyond their control, so yeah…suck it up, and handle things with a sober mind. Unlike stopping an earthquake, the mind can be tamed with some (expensive) psych therapy and happy pills….although I’ve partially tried the former and haven’t had a chance to try the pills(looking forward to that bit).

In conclusion i guess i’m finally on step 1…acceptance. Will do something more comprehensive piece with time.

1000 words: Trip to the ladies

There is really nothing wrong with having bodily functions and needs, so I have no idea what all the fuss about not mentioning them. They range from peeing, pooping, sneezing to eating etc. will focus on number 2 and a touch of number 1.

But I have to admit, guys know those two exist on women, but as far as we’re concerned, when women go to the ladies, they go to freshen up. We have often passed near those ladies rooms that haven’t been cleaned up in a while and there’s a bad odor coming from it, well that is because it’s the men’s toilet stinking up the next room. All that exists in a ladies’ toilet is the mirror, where all the freshening up is done; the sink where they may want to wash their hands in case extra make up drips on it (what? Who knows, maybe lipstick melts like chocolate); and the toilet bowl which is only used in those rare occasions where a the lady gets food poisoning or drinks a little bit too much and needs to drain off the extra alcohol through her mouth. So what is the nether region of a woman for? I guess the most important is sitting, copping a feel, and staring at when she doesn’t know you’re checking it out.

Anyway, yesterday I was caught up in a situation involving my bowels. Yes, men have bowels let this not be mistaken as an underhanded implication that women don’t have guts and mine happened to be full again don’t assume that I’m full of crap (dear Lord, stop with the intestine jokes already – Ed). Thing is I’m one of those people who are mentally limited to going number two in only a couple trusted bowls. Took me a few minutes (which seemed like days) to do a mental location of all verified loos within a non-stressful radius around the CBD and I located one.

A few minutes later, of careful walking so as not to have a more obvious embarrassing rapture, i was there and immediately headed to the gents. After a few second of gasping I finally made my way out. It was occupied and in use…hence the sudden loss of breath… that and the smell. When I got in in, this is what I found the previous occupant had left… To make the scene a little bit more serene I took out all the stains and wrapped the turds in neat little gift boxes.

As I walked out dejected and pressed I happened to glance into the ladies toilet and saw this And I got an idea, why not casually stroll in and check it out, purely reconnaissance. And it was magical. The loo was clean and nobody saw me go in so I figured since I was in there and there is no crime against it so why not end the agony. Finally my guts got reprieve. After a while there was movement outside the door, probably somebody adjusting their make-up, though she knocked to check if the loo was occupied. I just assumed that’s why girls go in twos into the loo, and since this one was alone she was just verifying so that she could have company. I knocked back and she stopped. Probably the comfort knowing there is somebody else in there.

I had the urge to cough and I held it down albeit with the greatest difficulty. Have you ever tried to cough like somebody else? Yeah nobody ever has to do that….except me at the time. Eventually I let out a cough and it was…stupid!

Lesson for today: use the toilet correctly! We don’t need that crap! Somebody could die from all the pressure

Ok let me just admit it…I just wanted to show off how well I can work illustrator skills. How would you rate your toilet?

Why men cheat

I’ll begin with the usual disclaimers:

• This is going to be long so make sure you are seated or free from interruptions
• My opinions may seem biased sometimes but I try to tell it the way I see it though it may not always be agreeable or easily digested
• I may have left out several reasons an that’s because i decided to focus on the main one that has become clear…sort of.
• Before any political correctness advice is shoved down my throat, I’ll state I’m talking of hetero-relationships here, though the dynamics are generally the same all around.
• When I say “woman”, I’m thinking “lady” unless you are not one so just ignore this point
• This entry is not titled “why women cheat” or “why people cheat” for a reason
• Finally; I’m not a specialist in relationships and neither is this a professional opinion, so I could be wrong on some aspects except the last sentence.

The reason I decided to focus this entry on cheating was brought about at a staff party where one of the guys mentioned several things I’d thought about but never really paid attention to since I assumed I was the only one who realized part of the problem.

My (our) generation is a special one. We live in a time where sex is no longer a taboo rather it’s glorified in all its aspects and manifestations. It’s still a time where you can’t leave a child playing alone outside because sexual predators are everywhere now as a result of the liberal attitude towards sex. But that is beyond the scope covered here.

Cheating: each one of us probably knows somebody who was cheated on, is cheating on, or we’ve done it or been party to it. A lucky few have probably never experienced it directly or never knew about it; basically been on the friendlier side of ignorance. Now, my take on the whole cheating issue from my perspective as a young man still relatively untainted by the issue at hand. Part of it from observation, a small part experience, and a huge chunk from guys who cheat and know what they’re talking about.

Men and aging

Men go through several stages in their lives, there is the stage you discover boobs, that women are soft smell nice and you like to touch them. It’s at his point you have puppy love, crushes, get your heart cracked the first time, probably lose your virginity and generally start masturbating to pictures of naked women. The stage lasts through the teen years to the super early 20′s.

The next stage happens in the 20′s where most men start getting a little more serious in relationships. The not so smart ones jump into marriage -but you didn’t hear me call them stupid-, likely shotgun in many and in others just youthful impulsiveness. Advice: don’t get married yet; just get to know each other better, what is a 5year dating period if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together? Where was i? Oh yeah, they start getting a little serious in relationships and looking for the One.

By this stage most men have identified what characteristics would make the ideal woman for them. When asked what type of person they are looking to spend their lives with, they will give a detailed description; most likely because they have someone in mind. Thing is, this is also the stage when most men are making the foundation to their financial future, i.e. Hustling and getting their shit together.

The next significant stage is from 30-40 when he has achieved most of the financial freedom he was looking for and settles down, most likely with the ideal woman he described in the previous stage i.e. assuming she stuck around when he was still hustling. This is where many men are found to be cheating on their wives, divorces happen and generally really bad shit goes down.

Girls and pizza

Women age differently from men (hence the subtopic) and I’m not a woman so I won’t get into that that much. I’ll just state: men grow more attractive with age, while women just grow old, except for the lucky few. Inflammatory as this statement may seem, it’s isn’t intentional, just a little hard to swallow fact. As I move along you will come to realize that in an ideal universe the difference in aging is not really that important. I’ll skim over some of the stages women go through nevertheless.

Teenage is that stage in a woman’s life when she is most attractive. The boobs pass the pencil test easily because of all the glorious perkiness and men are constantly scratching at your front door wanting to get in. I guess it’s still here where a woman realizes the power she has over them.

At 18 men can lay her without thoughts of jail and dropping the soap; clubs, booze and pizza/cake places become the norm. Basically she can and will exploit her sexuality to the maximum. The girls are impressionable and the idea of dating an older guy is kind of a thrill…the richer the better.

Young girls love pizza, even the ones who never grew up eating it; the only thing they love more than pizza is the guy who can afford to buy it for them constantly. Rarely will you see young women ordering pizza to-go; it’s to be eaten there for it to taste better. It’s the my-man-can-buy-me-shit phenomena and young men will stumble over each other trying to catch her attention using pastry and cheese.

Many women in their 30′s have also usually achieved financial independence and looking to settle down. They have been aware their biological clocks are ticking for the last 2 or 3 years and the attention from men is waning because of the developing crow’s feet yeah I said it and the fact that impressionable girls are hitting 18 every day bringing a lot of unfair competition. Oh, and they have friends who are married or getting married, probably with kids too. So there is some sort of pressure on them.

Men and love, women and money and why men cheat

A general consensus among women is that “men aint shit” especially among those who have been hurt by some men. If they said “some men aint shit” i guess I’d nod in agreement and probably give them a “there there” pat on the back.

A commonly unheard expression/topic is that one covering men and love. We rarely hear of men being in love nowadays, it’s almost like a taboo. You will rarely come across a man’s blog talking about love or how in love he is with somebody. So we can safely assume our generation consists of aloof, macho self-centered men whom women swoon all over seeking for their attention? You would be mistaken for thinking it’s a crime in our generation for a guy to have emotions or feelings except those along the lines of laughter, anger or sadness. The expression “why you behaving like a woman” is actually used as an insult!

Let me break it down nicely, men have feelings. It actually stings a little when women say “men aint shit” because some of us are the shit…and urine. Men love with an unfathomable fire, just like a woman in love. When a man loves you he does it with every fibre of his being. It won’t matter how old you are, how you look or dress as long as it’s you. In his eyes you are the epitome of perfection and nothing anybody says or does can ever change that. He will let you step on his ego and use it for your doormat, and he will let you keep his testicles in your purse (not literally obviously). When a man loves you, he hands you the remote/control to his life; you may choose to screw with it or make it better. Whether he is miserable or happy will depend on you for the most part.

And no, when a man loves you there is no chance of him cheating on you because he lives to see you happy and there is no sacrifice too great…including giving up other women.

Women and money

Nobody likes to be poor, nobody!

Women like to be pampered and treated nice and all that but methinks they sometimes lose sight of the bigger picture. I know money can’t buy happiness and that a hug can’t pay bills; neither can you binge on junk and keep that curvy hourglass shape-without the bulimic quick fix-. Not the smartest metaphor(that second one), but my point is everything is always about finding that happy medium.

Nowadays, though, I’ve started to get convinced that is all most women think about, money and what a guy can buy for them. Guys are judged for the size of their wallet and not what he can give with his heart. It’s “I’d rather weep in a palace than smile in a shack”. Women constantly bitch about men treating them like objects yet when you look at it soberly, most of them DO go to the highest bidder. It is at this point that I will jump to the next topic that actually got you reading this entry in the first place:

Why men cheat

Like i said earlier, by their mid-20′s most men have identified what they’d want in their ideal soul mate and probably have somebody in mind. Men love and can get hurt just as badly as women. The problem with this age though, is most women are very materialistic and as an unfortunate coincidence it’s usually the time the man is kick starting his financial future. See where I’m leading?

So a situation arises where a man is seriously interested in a girl and even though she may be interested she discounts him as a potential partner based on his financial ranking. This is probably because she had that ideal in mind on the lifestyle she desires to have. Her having friends who date rich guys would probably tilt the odds against the suitor further because of the superficial perception over how her friends’ lives have changed by dating rich men. So she ignores the guy who makes her happy for a guy who can buy her stuff but might not really appreciate her. There is a vicious cycle resulting from this process, you will note by the end.

Hearts heal, but they never love the same (most of the time), and the jilted young man will ,move on, hopefully with no hard feelings depending on how he was let go. Other girls will come who will see and appreciate him for what he is and in my ideal universe he will love her with the same passion he loved the first girl and it ends happily ever after. A person never forgets the person they truly loved; life never gives the easy way out. The ideal was set and it is imprinted in the subconscious mind, the guy will move on but he will date the girls who most closely resemble his dream girl-the one that got away. The girls won’t realize it but he will try to change them to fit the image he had and when she fails, he moves on or strays.

During this time his financial standings have improved, from promotions and all that hustling paying off; and with age and money, comes the girls; remember what I said about the thrill young girls get from dating older men, plus the common misconception that older men are more mature -men never mature, mature men are just boring men trying to look serious. So this young man was jilted because he was poor, got his heart all broken but now he has all these women after him. He will let the money work for him, after all, wasn’t that all you (women in general) were after all along? You see, without the emotional connection with a woman the only thing that would actually potentially keep a man from cheating would be his morals, and we all know that morality is a gift that has been distributed sparingly to our generation.

Let’s move to a hypothetical situation which as it turns out happens a lot of times so isn’t really that hypothetical. What if the original poor guy (who was left, then morphed into the rich guy, taking girls from other poor guys, continuing the seemingly unbreakable cycle) ends up hooking up with the girl of his dreams – the one who left him when he was just a hustler? In the ideal universe they live happily ever after. Had this been a movie we’d just cut to the scene where she is crying on her friends couch/lap sobbing “but *inhales snort* I gave him the *inhales more snort* chance later on. Why would he cheat on me? *insert sobs here*“

When a mother gives up her baby- adoption abandonment whichever- for 10 or maybe 15 years then comes back into the picture, will she still have the same effect on it as she would have had she raised the baby? The man had a specific perception of you when you were young; had you stayed together, the perception would have adjusted as you aged together and there wouldn’t have been any lost years because of petty finance issues. This is what I was leading up to when I said it doesn’t matter how either of you age because he will love you for all that you are and all that you made him feel i.e. if you hadn’t made him feel pathetic by leaving him because he wasn’t as loaded as other guys. Now the man is stuck on an image of you when you were young and since you are no longer it, he will still be on the lookout for the younger you he knew and loved which will lead to him doing what? It may seem like a cold and pessimistic outlook on life and relationships, and I’m not saying anyone deserves to be cheated on, but this is the reason most guys I’ve talked to give.

The truth is people lie to each other. Sometimes when a person is too forthcoming about how good their life is, they are probably trying to cover up for small insecurities, embarrassment or pain. Why else do we see couples break up and not give a shit about the money anymore after several years? Just goes to show how many people realize too late where some of the priorities should have been.

There are good guys out there, men who will lay down their life for you, and mold their world around you because, for all intents and purpose, you are their world. Just make sure you aren’t too preoccupied assessing their finances to notice what they mean to you or you to them. Would you rather be a trophy to a wealthy fuck who treats you like trash, than be a queen to an average guy who would treat them like they are the world. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because you aren’t watering your side enough.

As a side note before it seems like I’m trashing rich folk: I know several wealthy couples who are really happy with each other all these years (some have been together for 26yrs now…26!) and the common denominator between them is they weren’t always rich yet stuck together through the hard .

Let love be the prize and money to be just a welcome bonus.

>Are your naked photos online?

>This has been an interesting week for Kenyans on twitter. Apart from the extra photos from muliro garden, there were photos of this poor girl from a local private university and a video (read porn) clip from yet another local university, this time public.
Now I could yell from my high horse saying how wrong it was for whoever put those photos online to do it, but I’m a little more honest with myself than that. I’m guilty of retweeting and having a good laugh at how gullible people are when it comes to technology; and how funny/stupid some of those sex positions were.
I have a quick confession to make. Several years ago I happened to lend my camera to a certain lady who later retuned it damaged. Well, the camera was irrecoverable but the memory card wasn’t. The contents taught me one important thing: there are more nudies out there than we might have previously imagined. To cover up the loose end in my confession I’ll state that her photos never made it online and her dignity is intact all these years later. What about the photos? Deleted and the memory card wiped and put through such thorough data shredding nothing could ever be recovered( unless the cyborg from terminator is given a side mission as it waits for Sarah to pop up somewhere, though if it had been given that mission then I’d know by now). And I WAS pissed at her for breaking my camera, among other things! See how good I am? Yeah, you can worship me later.
The only foolproof way of protecting yourself is making sure such photos don’t exist in the first place. Sex in public/risky places is thrilling and probably has no match in the adrenalin seeking area – unless it’s possible to have sex while parachuting, which still adds up to public sex anyway- but this is the 21st century and big brother is everywhere. I can bet just about every other person on the street has a phone with a working camera, this means chances of getting away with a quick shag without getting photographed are pretty slim.
Here is how to decrease your chances of negative online presence (read- having your nudies leaked online):
a) Listen out for any unnatural sound; hell, listen out for any natural sound or any sound at all that is out of place. I know, it’s hard to focus with blood rushing through your ears while the rest of the blood has been redirected from the brain, but it’s really important if you are in unfamiliar territory.
It is common knowledge that all locations have their “native” sounds, so if you’re getting all hot and heavy and you hear a sharp click, STOP! Then search the area and make sure you cover the windows in your search. The natural sound I mentioned earlier is to cover for those cameras that make chirping sounds. Maybe, also check for extremely glossy surfaces on a fixed substrate.
b) Since most people can’t afford a faraday field, make sure no piece of technology is switched on! Look at that toaster as an enemy; unplug it. If you have a laptop make sure the battery is out on the other side of the room and for extra security the lid is firmly shut. In the case of a desktop computer make sure all the cables are on the table and the tips are visible. As for the phones, you know how to take out the battery, don’t you?
I guess all this hustle will take out a lot of your horniness, but ask yourself “which is easier, getting your leaked naked photos off the internet or engaging in a couple extra minutes of foreplay to make up for watered lust?” Yes my friends, make paranoia your best friend, not everybody has my –since I’m modest to a fault- ability to use delete.
As a side note: sometime back this guy showed me a pen and watch that had spy cameras fitted within. I saw the photos, but couldn’t tell where the shutter was located except guess using the angle of the shot to determine the region where it could be. See why paranoia is ok?
If despite all this you still choose to record yourself or sit for photos, remember you are the only person you can trust, and even then, can you trust yourself that well? Many a time I’ve been in a cyber café and, while saving my stuff, seen photos that have made me shake my head. Are they that surprised when they find themselves as trending topics?
More unsolicited advice:
c) Always work from your drive directly from your memory card/flash if you are on a public computer. If you seek assistance, then the only time you should break eye contact with the screen and storage device is when you blink, never mind the mind control required to multitask that. If you blink for exceedingly long periods of time, then you can’t be helped; see a doctor or take coffee for that.
d) Make ctr+shift+delete your best friend. On any browser this action will bring up the browser dialog for clearing all your browsing data. This means if you are one of those people who store data in the draft section then you won’t accidentally leave your email account logged in. If it gives you a message along the lines of “You need administrative permission to do that”, then raise hell. You can never be too safe.
e) Pray. Whatever your religion, turn to the deity and say “Please cover for me if I screwed up!” I know I do.
Have a porn free day

>Glass houses

>The most cruel thing I’ve ever told a girl is “I can never love you” and before the lynch squad is organised and pitch forks gathered, I’ll tell you of things karma and others blunt(not the weed).
Relationships have never been easy and sometimes i try to adopt a philosophical approach towards them but it doesn’t quite cut due to inexperience, age or a touch of both; never been sure which.
She was young and pretty with pink soft lips that tasted like nectar. Like all others before and after her, she was enamoured by this guy with traits of a split personality and extremes in moods and behaviour, and like most others she discovered it can burn sometimes. Her eyes haunt me each time we meet, the innocence gone and memories of the hurt i involuntarily put there. Whenever on the phone i can feel her silent accusation on why she turned cynical. Why i like to avoid emotional contact, that’s part of the reason.
I’ve never found it hard to interact with the fairer sex especially when in my comfort zone. Having a female best friend was a good thing overall, but definitely a thorn in the side relationshipwise. Apparently most girls aren’t willing to stick around knowing of the disadvantage that you probably love your best friend more than you ever will them. But that is also neither here and there since you have to breakdown the different types of love.
If i was to lift up my left hand to count the number of times i’ve been in love, i guess i could comfortably donate my thumb to research, give the little finger to my fish as a light snack and have serious consideration to where the middle finger would required, and still have more than enough fingers left for my count. I’m not ashamed to admit to have been in love. It took the cynicism away. Although i never get it how people fall in love over and over again, i have enough sense to appreciate they lead richer more satisfying lives than i ever will.
Being into the same person always is never an easy thing. Having the need yet the circumstances never letting you be is like being in a glass house on either side of a wall looking at each other. You place your hand at the spot she is placing hers and can’t feel the softness. All you can do is look at each other and tap to let each other know you’re still there; hoping a door will be found, or maybe somebody will throw a stone and shatter the whole thing, and cut and bruised you will fix each others wounds but at least finally you will be together.
But life isn’t that simple, is it? Whenever you get that person who loves you the way you do them fate will always find a way to make sure you can’t be, because, lets admit it, life is not a tv show.
Whenever you find that person that loves you, circumstances will be ripe for you two to hook up, but your heart will be that big empty hole with longings for another(refer to the opening statement). And so all the options are there but never in your favour. Isn’t life grand?
Whenever cynicism and philosophy fail you do as i do; convince yourself, since you’re alive maybe there’s a reason and a chance. Many maybes constitute to a whole lot of probablys which overall means there’s a chance(forgive the ill constructed grammar); and a chance is way better than nothing. Maybe you will get out of the glass house and maybe you will reach each other, and maybe you will find another. That line of logic barely works for me, but it’s a world better than hopelessness. Love is gift, but it’s not in your hands who you give it to.

>Legion, because there are many of us

>He is that geek, quiet in the corner minding his own
Looks on, never a word just a friendly smile
Or a sputter of awkwardness in an attempt at conversation

He is that guy, adrenalin his fuel
His world a blur of adventure,
Violence his second nature
The smell of blood, a spur to his flank for more

The life of the party, that other one
Girls are his ambition, with alcohol no inhibitions
And herb as the cherry on top
Seeking the next big rush

To hold them all at the core
Lies the keeper to them all, and master to none
Guardian of the knowledge they are but one
Pulling each to their own, seeking separate identity

The keeper, sober and decisive, by psychology and meds he shall draw
them in…eventually
There is a limit to occupants of a mind, but they still fight it
They tire him, should he give in they all die
There is a limit to what the world takes as eccentric
And chains and cells is what they offer
He is one mind, one man, but many occupants; Legion