The Diaries: Admah – Sidona

“Soon baby, real soon, he is pretty interested in meetin u too!”
Oh damn, i groaned inside. Not him again. U know that uncle you have, the one who smiles at u yet has it in for you cz u r better than his kids n more promising? Well, there he was staggerin down th road we were goin up. H was still in th back wit one half of th twins n th other was upfront, her cherubim warmth heating up my gnoolies.
“Helloo kids, where you up to?”
“Admah! Hows th wife?”
Almost everyone, except her maybe, knew uncle Malek had a bond with the milk lady…the type that happens in th loin area…
“Oh, just th usual…nag nag nag! Should ave taken th cows ua granpa offered to keep me frm marrying her. I thought he hated me, but now i realize he had th gift of foresight.
“So what’s taking u to Admah?”
“Nothing, just deliverin hay”
And he walked off without another word.
We got there in the evening n parked in the market where we were to pick up another buddy n head on over to the party. There was a crowd gathered around an old man dressed in rags…hmmm, this should be interesting… Hey, he was tellin a parable or prophecy. Didnt care either way, th stories are usually very funny…
“Abraham assembled a machine of infinite power. A machine so powerful it can do most of our work in a few seconds. That machine could do anything, it can write letters and send messages. It was a marvelous machine!
“Isaack came and marvelled at it and looked it over…He tried to use the machine but to no avail…all it did was beep.
“Isaack distressed, knelt down and prayed, then stood up, looked the machine over again then turned to Abraham,’Father, i have looked this machine over n realized we cant use it because it doesnt have the memory!’
“Wise old Abraham looked at his son calmly, understing the naïvety of youth. ‘Do not worry my son, God shall provide the RAM!'”

Eh? The prophet was lookin at us wit a bemused expression like he’d jst given th punch to a really good line. It was H who mouthed th words everyone was thinking,”Damn these prophets n their postdated jokes!”
Th guy we’d come for failed to turn up so off we went, this time H was at th front n i was at th back with both th girls. I ges i’d expected th coupling setting would resume so that i’d make my move, now that i was free of th driving responsibility. Apparently fate thought differently…
So i leaned over n whispered in th ear of th third wheel that H might need company upfront. “Nah,” she whispered,”i like it here, thank you!” So i mused a bit, maybe th prophet could help me come up with a word that basically sums up instructing somebody to grow extra organs n go have intercourse by themselves, a word whose vocal inflection would leave no doubt in the recepients mind that theyve been insulted. But alas our generation had just come by th invention of th wheel only too recently, our vocabulary hadnt evolved much.
My thoughts were interrupted.
“Besides i can see the way u lookin at my sister n we do everything together….EVERYTHING!”

The grandfather paradox

Yep, another week gone n damn this one was hard. So kesho i watch my friends graduate which is awesome, tho i am a bit jealous cz i wana get over wit th education system so bad….
Anyhoo back 2my topic, th wk has had so many emotive push n tugs i’m actually looking forward 2th binge-ing frm kesho cz sina exams! But i was actually able to escape into my happy place, Lord knows i’v failed to get thea so many times. My happy place is a corner in my head wea i’m alone n focus on all my happy thoughts, no jobbo problems, no friendship issues or relationship turbulence. Its my little island of me n just me. Its a meditation thing tho i do it bila the influence of any substance wea i focus on my chi. Dats wea my most important decisions are made, wea i psycho-analyze th players n bare their intentions. Sadly it always ends up disappointing me cz i realize th inherent weaknesses n unreliability of human beings, which sucks.
Oops, got carried away. Nway i was thinkin of th dynamics of love n relationships n th paradoxial phenomenon of soulmates. Do they exist? N if they do, is the random collision of a matching pair an exception to the rule? Do soulmates argue, make each other really happy n i retrospect make each other miserable.
Wen the soulmate draw is being done, are they dropped in the same timeline? Or maybe one is put in th 18th century n th other in th 25th? Do they ultimately meet or they gotta chill for nirvanah wea all forms of misery n sadness is extinguished. Then again dont we need misery to know what happy is, otherwise you’d never know you are happy, right?
What are the chances of being with ua soulmate n at th same time u cnt be with them cz time n circumstance dont allow, only the feeling that you would be good together but you cant. N who made th rule that the only way that you can be wit them is thru a relationship? Aint it being a bit narrow minded, huh?
Life has so many avenues of drawing happiness, so why let th laws of capitalism n religion define our lives? Life is short, life is unpredictable without any guarantee on length n quality except what we make of it. Th dynamics of life are set in such a way that a stunt plane pilot hurtling down to earth at 3G speeds has an equal chance of dying as another person enclosed in a health bubble, but their quality of life is different… Do soulmates have to have the same taste n goals?
So i guess u can safely compare the logic of soulmates to the grandfather paradox. Allow me to expound…
The grandfather paradox is an argument presented in quantum physics…wea black holes, worm holes n time travel are involved n is all tied back to the theory of relativity.
So it begins… In the event of a time machine being created an you are able to go back in time with a gun or whichever weapon, to the period before your parents were born. While there, you kill your grandfather. That would then mean that one of your parents never existed coz ua grandfather never lived to have them, and as a result you were never born so u never used a time machine to go back and kill your grandfather, hence he lived long enough to have ua parent n you were born, therefore you were able to use th time machine to go back with a weapon…yada yada yada…. Dont u just love n admire th genius of th human mind? Nway same situation applies to the soulmate discussion. I’d go into th intrigues n details of time travel but thats another day, another note.
Bottom line is, soulmate or not, relationship or not, u get sbdy that makes u extremely happy n extremely miserable…keep em around, cz a full life is basically about that….the extremes!

Paper or plastic?

A week in which i decided 2 semi-bum n watch all th awesome muvis n series i’d misd out on. So jobbo was testees area n no work. Bt my new faves now is Dr Who n dat awesome Inglourious Basterds(dats ow they spelled it). Th thing i lv bout most bout it includin th scalpin, brad pitts accent, th qn bout takin off d nazi uniform n th swastica carved into th forehead, is that Hitler actually dies! Quentin is a freakin genious, so as i follow up n try get th killbill muvi bak i’m watchn greek…n ponder on th craziest “i’m so straight…” statement i ever heard, cnt remember th muvi title though, but it went lk “i’m so straight, i’d have a dick in my mouth, anaa one up my ass, two in my hands n i’d still be straight!” i laughed so hard i didnt pee myself a little.
I also tried to watch th vampire diaries cz i believe vampires r so awesome n shit. Nwy this series was/is a total rip off! I’d produce better special effects drawin in th sand wit my pee! Who the fuck heard of vampires practisin abstinence? N walkin in th daylight…bullshit! Dats y i stopd watchn moonlight at episode 2! They suck! So i take out th bad taste by watchn underworld n interview wit th vampire, at least these ones suck blood, die in th sun n fuck wit th frenzy n stamina expected of them.
Anyhoo, funny story, juzi was hukn up wit a gud frnd 2catch up. So i’m chillin for her, n maybe i was lukn all vulnerable cz i shaved n shit, cz this 40sth lady walks up 2me n starts hittin on me outright. I’m usually very curious n this time i was wonderin ow sh planned 2get me into bed, my moral tellin me dat its doin a research along th lines of what is good for th goose, but in this scenario th gander. So sh mentions money n inwards i rolled my eyes…plus now i’m getn uncomfortable n wonderin if this is how organ harvestin courtship is done. Thankfully enough my salvation came jst in time…n th potential organ harvester got flustered n embarrassed cz it was a hands down loss in th looks dept. So she introduces herself as my aunt n does a graceful exit. I wonder ow much my kidney wud go for in th market tho….incase i go superbroke *ahem!* Had a gud time after, twas refreshing n awesome.
Sometimes i get so miserable n hopeless durin th manic depressions i consider strikin a deal wit th devil. It is actually a miracle dat i still believe in God, cz in between th physics, th philosophy n th misery, th facts r pretty solid. So to strike a deal wit th devil u need 2 hv lk a devil’s advocate(evil lawyer, pun effect) n a human sacrifice, at which point a number of faces spring up, particularly former classmates who tried dampen th spirit of campus which is meaningless sex, endless booze, drugs n partying, n nursin hangovers in lecturehalls after getn 2a two hour lecture one n a half hours late bila apology. Problem wit th devil is i doubt he provides a ‘soul back guarantee’ lk he did to Faust.

Thats brings me to anaa hard fact i hv to deal wit, which is dat i gotta defer anaa sem, which sucks donkey considerin i’m inches frm th finish line. So as i watch my classmates plan to graduate cnt help but go down memory lane. Th few friends i managed to make cz tho social, i’m nt a people person. I’ma cherish em forever. As for th rest, it dnt rily mean anything to me, th unwarranted backstabbing n rumours n talk of me being an asshole n a loser…vengeance is like new laced wine in old winebags…or vodka n a naked flame…tick tock…th grim reaper sharpens th scythe rusted by th drool of the anticipation of the chase…
Anyway akina deno, mercy, ali-B na sippy, congrats, been a long journey but it doesnt end here…saved my ass alot of times n i’l b joinin u soonest….
Tomorrow might attend a family reunion, n since my old self is back, i aint even gona fake a smile or try to be nice…
Q: What is so special bou Jehovah’s witnesses dat makes em shun prayin wit people in other faiths? We gon taint their prayers or ambukiza em sth? Cnt even accept blood tranfusions or surgery. Living in a prude little world called Delusia, wea God helps those who wont help themselves. Good luck getn into heaven cz of a burst appendix. Dont bother to bring refrigerator magnets!
Nyhoo along came a client wit a carrot lookin for an ass. Client dangles carrot n ass makes mistake of maintaining eye contact wit carrot for a second too long. Client mistakes ass for pussy n tries to ride it facing backwards. Ass brays, rolls on th ground, picks up carrot, shows client th hoove(cz it aint got th finger) n shoves carrot up client’s ass! Client dusts himself n walks off promising to come wit a whip. Ass is given biblical power of speech n tells client 2turn asexual n “go fuck yourself!”
Client fails 2find better faster ass wit chariot or saddle n does th U walk of shame… Ass no work with one carrot now, need one for energy 2 walk and another to replenish energy cz th walk is oh so long n th client oh so fat sweaty n wearin spurs….th story continues

Text trails

So now i’v switched to using my blog to create notes. Losin my best work to fb totally suckd.
Nwy was goin thru my texts n realized, i got some texts goin back over 3years! n i’m sure if i hit restore several times on th nokia pc suite, i’ma see wonders. Thousands of txts, so to go thru em obviously needs a comp, but it provides for interestin food for thought esp wen bored, nt depressed. Nwy, an early disclaimer, txts frm dudes neva hit th 24hr mark… N i’m ommiting th names of girls.
Th earliest texts frm my first girl wen i was 18 n lied my age cz sh ws older by a couple of years n i had to ‘hit that’. So sweet n loving, maybe i was innocent in dat area then, until sh said th three words n we drifted. I wsnt ready to commit then. This period overlaps wit what i lk 2refer as th gray area wea me n my best pal got into a trade dat nt many straight guys venture into n for th same reason got out. Crazy months thea n th girls…walala! didnt ave a fon then but had a sim card frm which i got th txts.
But th sad thing i realize was thea was neva any drama n most of th texts went unreplied. Funny thing they confirm is d rlshps ended quite amiably bila fights or any of that bitter shit cz back then, i rily neva gave a fuck, it was just sex n gudbye…ya we still friends n some still hope i’d change n be serious wit em, but i always loved bygones. I ges dats y i wen for such a long time bila knowing what a heartbreak was n karma was my bitch!
Bt its th txts rangin d last year n a half dat r interestin. I got a stalker…dats wen i bought my first p.c. ‘dyu hv a computer, i got an assignment due mon.’ i ges i was too distracted playin san andreas to do th math n realize coming all th way frm usiu to k.u to do typin didnt rily mk sense, but i had a laptop i was fixin for a frnd n word was functional, so i figured what th hell let her do her work.
Sh came, i let her work frm th bed n i set th volume to full, i lv wctr(its a radio station in san andreas wea th presenters esp maurice r crazy, n Sage on Dust is wicked too). Played for hours n was jst bout to unlock las venturas when my pc went PUFF in smoke, literally. Th power supply gone.
Everyone knows ow easily i get bored so i turn my attention to th girl, who my roommate is tryin 2chat up, tryna figure a way 2get th laptop away frm her n put some music on. I peek at what sh’s been doin n did a double take 2confirm, six hours n all sh got is one page…warr?
Sh was shallow n dumbwise, d other reason i wntd th music, i’v neva rily liked shallow people, bad thoughts flow wen they gv me attention no matter how pretty…i want 2lk strike a match n watch them go ‘wow! Fire in a box!’
Nyhoo sh goes lk ‘i got a kink in my back cz of all th typin’ n shit. I’m curious as to how this will go, cz sh wants a massage. In th end it stank, i had to tk a shower 4lk 2hrs cz i felt filthy, did unholy shit to get her out. Nxt morning a knock on th door n voila! Everyone who was thea knows i just walkd out. U treat a chick lk crap n sh comes back cz a dumb friend told her dat wen guys do this they actually lk u, bitch if i liked u, i’d treat u lk a queen cz its a blue moon kinda thing 4me.
I was haunted by txts n calls for months, i tried to tell her i had a (fake)chic, nathn, i was gay, nathn, i’m gona hunt u, chop ua body into little pieces n mail em 2ua parents, RESULT!
Dat was th excitin thing last year, apart frm my ex. It ws gud at first cz sh was hot n we didnt talk much n when we did i numbed my brain a bit by crushin a testicle wit my elbow, funny thing…we didnt exchange txts wit her.
Some more txts here wit th rebound girls n other interestin almosts…notes on it later.
This year’s events, almost hukn up wit sbdy i had a crush on since i was 18, then being mercilessly crushed last minute. D txt trails a painful footprint. But i’m glad dat hapnd cz it led me to th awesomest girls ever, n neva even got a chance to mope. Th problem wit pushin sbdy who loves u away is dat u might push em in2 th hands of a more compatible soulmate…hence endeth a trail of this nice invention called the cellphone! Th future is clearer now