Conversations

Another day with the funk, second one this year. My reasoning is since i’ve caught on this one, albeit late(by a couple of days).
So, for two years i’ve been living in denial. The thought of having to take medication for the rest of my life and it’s not my fault is more depressing than what i have, because there is no denying the latter does have it’s awesome moments.
So, what is it like living with something you barely believe exists? I’ll let my conversation with my now imaginary doctor paint the picture…
Ben: Hello, ben speaking
Doc: THE Ben?
Ben: Yup, in the flesh…uh, i mean voice *awkward pause*
Doc: So, how can i help you?
Ben: You remember that thing that you told me that i have so i stopped coming?
Doc: You mean the bipolar?
Ben: uh…maybe…
Doc: ben? We talked about this…you have to learn to say it out loud.
Ben: love it how you say my name
Doc: ben!
Ben: yeah, i kinda believe you now…
Doc: kinda?
Ben: this is a big step for me, man…too much at stake
Doc: So you want to get medicated huh? You know i can’t give them to you just like that, we have to identify blah blah blah [medical jargon here] to come up with specific treatment.
Ben: *sigh* yeah i know, bt it’s not lk it’s AIDS where i hv to take the pills all the time, everyday
Doc: why did you call me then, if you aren’t planning on listening?
Ben: I’d missed you
Doc: why do i put up with you?
Ben: ok. Ok…sorry! i just want it to go away and i can be a me i can control again
Doc: Morbid thoughts again?
Ben: Yep. This time it’s worse because i’m not scared of them at all…i visualize it and it doesn’t seem so bad. The end seems…peaceful. You think God would punish me for something He gave me in the first place, theoretically assuming i go through with it of course.
Doc: Have you told your family yet?
Ben: No! It’s my problem and i’ll sort it out myself!
Doc: Girlfriend?
Ben: Doesn’t have the whole picture…
Doc: And you seriously believe you can do this alone?
Ben: I’m a big boy, been through worse and came out still breathing!
Doc: It’s going be hard. Why are you so insistent on going it alone?
Ben: Because i don’t wan’t anyone’s pity. Pity is for puppies(typo for using default t9 value)
Doc: You know the big risk in that. You can’t have a relationship with the people you love yet you leave out important things. Omitting important facts intentionally constitutes to lying even if you are doing it thinking you are protecting them. Because you are not. You are just a scared little boy thinking you’ll get rejected for being what you are.
Ben: *suprised* jeez! Ok, i kinda get it!
Doc: Kinda again?
Ben: Ok, i get it.
Doc: what made you call me?
Ben: coz i’m spiraling back into the funk and i’m ready to admit i was wrong about being able to handle it myself…if at all.
Doc: good. Now, will you let your family in on your condition?
Ben: i doubt it.
Doc: *groans* girlfriend?
Ben: *shrugs* i don’t know. Maybe. I doubt it.
Doc: suit yourself. Just remember, complacency here might lead to your undoing. Get th first step out of the way quickly. Then you will have a better quality life.
Ben: Yes mom.
Doc: Excuse me?
Ben: Just kidding, i joke when faced with impossible decisions.
Doc: So you will think about what i have just told you?
Ben: Of course
I’ll admit the role of the doctor has been played by my conscience. I’m increasingly learning to listen to it so as not to screw up.
Anyway, the funk has never killed anyone….that i know of….um…that i know in person. But it does fuck up relationships, i’ve seen. I don’t know anyone living with it to be able to share experiences. Mine have been mostly denial and occasional bouts of acceptance(but within the depression environment) though.
After all the self evaluation you eventually realize there is really not much you can do when it comes to psychological messes. Part of the reason is most people have no idea what goes on in the mind of a funky person. On my part i never talk about it because it might come out looking like an excuse for being who i am and how i behave. You eventually learn to live with the consequences of your action even on factors that were beyond your grip, but one thing i want to come out clear: when it happens, most of the time i confuse the symptoms with other things like stress, depression or euphoria(in the case of the manic cycle). The big difference is the symptoms/manifestation disappear suddenly and i’m back to normal.
The best way to give a visual on bipolar is this.You are on the beach, strolling casually enjoying the sun on your skin and the breeze in your face. Somewhere under the ocean an earthquake is occurring; too far away for you to feel the shock waves. Out of nowhere, the ocean “overflows” and in seconds you are swallowed up then dumped inland. Assuming you don’t drown you find yourself on dry land again, a bit wet with wreckage around you, and you barely have an idea what happened. To stretch out the scenario a bit, you have to be accountable for the damage and live with it. Simply because if you say something like “bu…buh…but it was the ocean that did it” is just using excuses.
Who said life was fair anyway. Seen people go through worse for things beyond their control, so yeah…suck it up, and handle things with a sober mind. Unlike stopping an earthquake, the mind can be tamed with some (expensive) psych therapy and happy pills….although I’ve partially tried the former and haven’t had a chance to try the pills(looking forward to that bit).
In conclusion i guess i’m finally on step 1…acceptance. Will do something more comprehensive piece with time.