There isn't enough light to read so i just decided to do a write think.
Today they opened up the new museum roundabout. Guessing it's now the museum hill fly over. Drivers are confused because they are used to the roundabouts. Irony here stems from the fact that the current traffic snarlup is more serious than before. Teething problems perhaps.
Anyway as usual my mind goes to my girlfriend…former. I'm playing alot of slow music trying to stifle the panic i feel rising in my chest. The only reason i'm holding it together so well is the unusually large amount of bipolar meds i've resorted to taking.
The chemist is starting to get suspicious because i've been there almost everyday buying stuff they aren't allowed to sell without a prescription. But i have a legitimate prescription and with one of the pills going at 200ksh a pill and the other at 60ksh i guess they can't let the business go just like that. But a little online research revealed that it's actually almost impossible to overdose on medication for controlling the fluctuating of noradrenalin in the brain. In laymans language that means i can't die if i popped the whole freakin bottle(th term 'bottle' is loosely used for illustration of quantity…the pills actually come in blister packs).
Anyway i can't really tear her a new one here because it was probably my fault(probably is used loosely here in place of definitely). I'm not angry, just sorry that something good went to waste when it was still salvageable.
Only a few people can see the pain i'm trying to hide. My work has actually improved, incredible, right? Classic overcompensation at work.
A recent statistic i read indicates that 90% of relationships in which either or both of the partners are bipolar are bound to fail. However it has been established that that statistic is a farce. The relationships require more work but with a little bit of endurance they may work out. In general, the general success/failure rate of bipolar relationships is not alarmingly different from the normal ones.
Anyway what makes bipolar relationships so significantly different(i'm not contradicting myself)?
Out of the top of my head i'll say the level of awareness about mental health in kenya is pretty low. I'm bipolar yet when my psychiatrist explained it to me i was actually surprised and in awe! I have since then accepted the fact that bipolar is a disease just like diabetes and requires constant medication. Now you see why i'm not mad at her for leaving me? Untreated bipolar is a ticking timebomb and my shrink was the only person aware over how close to the edge i had come. When i told him of the note i'd written, albeit a clichéd one he turned white and didn't want me to leave his office. I had everything planned, i'd also written an email quitting my job and the only thing that kept my boss from getting it was that i'd left my laptop at the office the previous day and i'd run out of airtime meaning the email got stuck in the drafts in the gmail application. So yes, bipolar is a serious disease if left untreated. Some of the sideeffects to the medication are particularly evil, but thank God i'm alive, yes?
The strange thing about bipolar is how effectively it screws with logic so that i can go from being the most rational person on earth to exhibiting the symptoms of a crazy person to depressed, no definitive segue. During that period in my head i know i'm doing one thing but to an observer i'm doing something totally different. The closest i have is by using the analogy of a pencil and you are the artist. Normally you have a clear visual in your head of what you want to draw. So you take a pencil and clean paper and set out to draw the image in your head. Eventually at the end what you have drawn is nothing like the image you had in your head. With a bipolar person during a cycle/spell the same thing happens to normal functions.
Eventually you get tired of explaining your actions and why you said or did some things and just lay there and take the blame and fire. But one thing most people don't realize is that it may be difficult to associate with a bipolar person especially an unmedicated person, but we are still human inside. We need love just like everyone else and we aren't crazy. The only difference is we need medicine to control our moods and interpersonal relationships.
I guess i should have found a way of getting my girlfriend to research more about bipolar but c'est la vie. Better to have loved and lost etc.
I'll end by talking about mental health awareness. People who are mentally sick are not necessarily asylum material. Sometimes mental sickness is so subtle you never realize it's there until it's almost too late, like in my case since it'd gotten to the level i'd accepted it as normal behaviour. Bipolar people are not a danger to society but they are a danger to themselves. If you ever notice significant shifts in the mood of your better other and behavior shifts, chances are they are bipolar. I'm told it's actually more common than people realize.
Look after your mental health. You just might save that relationship you value so much. And i'm at the end of my journey and coincidentally this entry. Keep well my friends
This entry is kind of different since i’m doing it on the go. It’s based on a style of writing i picked from a good friend.
The matatu i’m in inches forward. I look outside at the flyover being constructed by wu yi and co. It looks really stable but i can’t help but note a flaw in the system but then again i’m not an engineer to determine the structure of struts, girders and all.
The matatu inches forward several meters. In the background they are playing kenny rogers’ gambler. I think of trump cards and my thoughts stray to my girlfriend. Relationships have interesting dynamics. Personally, i usually avoided them because of all the emotional investment they require, meaning before you get into one you have to be triple, quadruple sure of the person you’re doing it with. I am happy, some rough patches here and there, but it’s all good.
Yaay, the traffic is moving at least. I look around the vehicle. I’m seated near the back so i have vantage position. I remember my shrink asking me about my fears. His question had been specific at first, ‘Ben, in a matatu do you pick the vantage point maybe because you are scared of an accident and dying.’
Of course i told him as long as i’m not sitting between two people, i’m good to go. Of course by now he also knows i barely have any phobias. Self imposed shock therapy worked magic for me. Why i’m seeing a shrink is a story for another day.
The matatu is really eating the asphalt now. Progress. I look at the pretty girl in at the back and smile. No flirting. I’m smiling because the guy next to her has his pits next to her face. Smile is evil now…haha.
I think of my job. The paradox that is my personality comes into question over its usefulness. I don’t know whether it is because i stayed so long without having my bipolar treated or what is the cause, but i am a child of two worlds. When my girlfriend calls me a geek, i always correct her and say half-geek. Reason being I’m at home in the forest or ocean depth(been there done all that) as well as behind a pc.
Back to my job. I know i love coding, the money in it may not be all that especially compared to alternative careers i could easily get into but i stay on for the love of the code. Coding is like poetry, but with methods and properties.
The outside is just a blur now and i think of my best friend (former). I recently realized i have more female friends than male. I guess it has something to do with having daddy issues. Though in retrospect as a kid i grew up with pretty girls all around me and i am used to getting hit on, though that is neither here or there since i’m write thinking(picked that from another friend).
15minutes and i’ll be home. Been on the road for a little bit over half an hour now. Short journey.
Now onto me. I like this trip because i get to think. Sometimes i get too conscious of my being ‘ergo tum’. It’s not always a good thing, me reflecting over me, especially now that i’ve run out of meds and can’t afford them for the next week or so. I’m usually too curious in testing the limits of my existence. I have this theory about death. It’s really straight forward actually. If you are not scared of dying then you won’t die. Sometimes i wonder, is it really that bad? I mean if the other side was so horrible wouldn’t somebody have escaped and let out a warning before being dragged back. So yes, i believe in an afterlife. Life in itself is inexplicable, and i know this might be a fallacy, but the existence of life justifies the existence of an afterlife, cogito ergo sum. It is arguable whether all sentient beings continue on after they die but i believe animals also probably have a thereafter.
Anyway i’ve reached the end of my journey which means this session of write thinking is over.
Keep well my friends.
Funny story where i got the topic for this entry. An episode of Tom and Jerry where tom had read in a book that a cornered mouse is harmless. Then got the crap beat out of him when he managed to corner jerry. Regardless of where i got the heading, this will be one of my more serious entries. Politics and things politician.
I dabble in the philosophy behind politics sometimes and upfront, my views may seem naive and one sided. But i represent a considerable chunk of the populace, the 20sth year olds with access to information and influenced by social networks, though i drew the line at planking. Most of the time when politicians refer to the youth, they mean me and like minded others.
What does politics mean to me and what influences my voting criteria? Politicians promise a lot of things, they come bearing words of development, jobs, and more money…same old things we heard them promise when we were kids but somehow when they get into power forces beyond them change their mindset and the people get nothing.
I have a job, i was lucky i didn’t have to rely on politicians to get it otherwise i’d have been among the thousands of university students wasting away at home waiting on promises of a brighter future. At least i can safely say i’m no longer hustling, but thousands are and most are already in despair, and they are degree holders! But i’ll skip that for now, i’ve established there is desperation among a large chunk of th population.
A question we ask all the time is how come we see the same old useless politicians getting voted into power all the time? Aren’t people sick and tired of being the politician’s bitch year after year as they rob the taxpayer’s money? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people(kenyans). Don’t people get tired of seeing on the news the minister for agriculture or special needs ask ‘what drought, who died?’ When kenya gives Japan, a fucking DEVELOPED country, $1million there is no outcry.
My generation must be retarded or just plain stupid. Come voting time somebody will argue they won’t vote because the same old leaders will come into power. Won’t bother explaining the flaw in that argument.
My generation is the java generation, not the programming language, but the coffee place. My generation watches the news and is pissed at what the politicians are doing to our beautiful country. But that is soon forgotten. We’ll sign an online petition and our duty to our country is done. My generation doesn’t produce leaders it produces coffee zombies and sexual deviants. We are happy enough just to get laid and live like there is no tomorrow, like there are no diseases, like we won’t have kids whom we would want to have a happy future and a country they’d be proud of. My generation loves twitter, tv series, spoken word and to fuck!
I admit this entry won’t have a second draft and as such the ideas will not necessarily flow logically.
I’ll go back to myself. I am a 20sth year old waiting to vote next year, my views represent the views of many of my peers. What am i looking for when picking who to vote for?
Age? Am i looking to vote for somebody closer to my age? My answer will be no. when i look at somebody like eugene all i see is a spineless little punk trying to ride the ghost of his dead brother and since spirits aren’t tangible i see a little boy stumbling in the dark holding onto delusions of grandeur.
When i look at a politician like martha karua i have semblance of hope. Somebody determined to make a mark through actions not words. Instead of laying back and complaining ‘oh, women aren’t getting support because all the men have taken everything'(i don’t like fida…cunts) she plays it as an equal. She may not have the money but she has that fighting spirit you can’t help but love. Maybe she’s lying through her teeth like everyone else but come tomorrow she is the one i’d most likely vote for, emphasis on ‘most likely’. I have my doubts when it comes to some of the politicians she associates with like one mbuvi. But that is a story for another day.
Another politician that gets my interest is peter kenneth although i have big doubts over whether he can take the game to the big boys the way martha does. He would probably be my ideal candidate come 2017 but not 2012.
Anyway my decision is not based on tribe otherwise several others would appear but i refuse to contribute to their online presence by mentioning them especially one mr wiper. Anyway i’ve run out of characters since i’m on my phone so hopefully i’ll fill in the missing blanks once i get to my laptop.
Keep well, vote wisely