Things diatribe, and why women cheat

It has been quite a couple of weeks for me. Emotionally trying, to say the least. My last entry and a couple of facebook updates may have come out hateful and biased against women but I’ve realized i gotta clear the air.

I love women, they have soft boobies and some of them have working brain cells. Ok, i kid. To say the truth I love and respect women. My mom is a lady and i love her. My sister is also female (like duh) and i love her to bits. Some of the things many of you have to go through is hard enough to comprehend as a guy and i respect their(your) resilience. We live in a patriarchal society and i believe women are short changed and deserve more than they get.

Whenever I see a man batter a woman i get incensed, to say the least, and i believe women batterers deserve hard labor and to be punished to the fullest extent of the law. True, women also beat men, but i think the reason those stories are more prevalent is the sensationalist nature of a guy actually getting beat up by a woman. Which adds on to the admirable strength of a woman, to be able to calmly take all the blows and not say a thing, admirable but in no way ok.

That put to rest, I’ll cover the diatribe evident in my previous post. This time a post written calmly and without bias.

Interpersonal relationships form the pillar of our human society. The human as a species’ quality of life is determined by the value of the relationships between individual units, the people, and also with the environment, but that is beyond the scope of this entry. In within the different social interactions we have romantic relationships.

A romantic relationship is the pillar of a couple. This means when two people decide to be a couple they admit they’re emotionally tied to one another. No relationship can work without at least a lot of liking, and in some love eventually develops. A relationship works like a set of cogs. For it to run smoothly the gears need constant oiling(on a side note: they found oil in Turkana, yaay Kenya, true story!) lest they become rusty. To say the least there is a high level of trust the parties to a relationship attach to one another because of the emotional endearment. To continue with the gears and cogs metaphor, oiling a relationship includes spending time together, sharing how your day went, telling each other sweet nothings etc.

Cheating ruins relationships and destroys trust. It is a generally accepted fact that men are the most likely to cheat in a relationship. There’s a saying that states a man is only as faithful as his options. What does this mean? It means that the more women around that are sexually receptive to him, that’s how faithful a man will be. My girlfriend (ex) used to tell me that cheating does not necessarily involve sleeping with somebody else. It could also mean sharing emotional experiences, which are supposed to be directed at your partner, with somebody else. This is why it becomes difficult to have a best friend of the other gender who is not your partner, since it eventually becomes difficult to distinguish the feelings for your best friend with those for your partner. That’s why it’s easier for single people of different genders to be best friends, but becomes hard when one or both are in pre-existing relationships.

From my personal experience when i got into a relationship i reduced the intensity of friendliness with my female friends. (According to one of my friends, that is wrong. But that is a story for later). Male-male friendships rarely threaten a relationship. Anyway, i reduced the intensity of my interaction with female friends, some understood, others disappeared altogether, but i was doing it to give my girlfriend the peace of mind that I’m unlikely to stray from her no matter the temptation. The hardest thing to give up was my best friend (female) of years and i made my girlfriend my best friend. Things were initially hard especially with my mood swings, since i had untreated bipolar but she stuck through, till i got medicated and I had to give up the elevated emotions for good. Elevated emotions are AWESOME by the way, most people (me included) only seek treatment when the depressions become overwhelming.

Anyway, where was i, yeah cheating. Men cheat, a lot, as I’ve witnessed, but the reasons they do so are covered in that article i wrote last year so no need to repeat. But reason or not, it’s never ok to cheat on your better half, no matter how badly they piss you off. If a relationship is on its death bed you can both agree to start seeing other people, and maybe after some time you can revert to the friendship you had before you decided to get involved. 

Anger is never a reason to cheat. I admit i was pissed off at my girl several times, sometimes really super pissed, but if there’s one thing my momma  and shrink taught me is to never make a decision when I’m angry. My shrink was categorical, since I’m a writer, i should stop lashing out at people immediately (i used to do that a lot before the meds, therapy and mind tricks started to do their thing), i should type out why I’m angry and what i want to do and when i cooled down enough, read it and see the damage i would have done had i reacted angrily immediately. And it worked, the relationship lasted for more than a year and i didn’t fuck up with my job(my current boss is not as understanding as my last one). Ok, i admit the previous article was done in a fit of anger, but as a rule i never take down something I’ve published.

The thing most women don’t realize is there are a few of us out there, men who would do anything and stand by their women. The reason i don’t hit you isn’t because i don’t have the strength to do so, it’s because i respect women and think there’s something ugly about a submissive woman. The reason i (we) don’t cheat on you is because we choose to give you the security to know there is someone to safeguard your emotions. There are literally tens of women on social networks willing to give it up for nothing! When a man tells you he loves you, and to extend it letting his friends know you’re “The One”, it takes nothing short of guts! So women remember, when a guy does things for you, a lot of things and never complains, it isn’t because he’s a wimp, it’s just that you’re his world.

Anyway, why do women cheat? Women may cheat when they are disgruntled and want nothing to do with the relationship they’re currently in, but don’t have the guts to admit it to their partner. Or maybe they are disgruntled but are so used to the security of tenure in the relationship so that they don’t want to risk it out on their own by calling it quits. 

Women also cheat when they suspect or know they’re being cheated on. I don’t have to mention the health risks involved in cheating. So instead of confronting the guy they decide to do it themselves to even out the score. As long as you are in a relationship it doesn’t matter whether the other person is doing it, it’s still cheating. And you’re really a fucked up couple and probably need to have a shrink check out what the fuck is going on in your tiny tiny minds.

Another reason women cheat is if they are emotionally or physically attracted to somebody else. It is understandable to be attracted to somebody who seems better off than your partner. We are attracted to other people all the time, but it’s called “commitment” for a reason. You chose the person you’re with, but if that isn’t enough you always have the option of leaving your partner amicably and you can pursue the higher interests. Something people don’t realize is sometimes heartbreak can be avoided if you resolve your issues in a straight forward manner.

Women also cheat to spite their partner. This is kinda rare, so I’m led to believe. But a characteristic hard to avoid is that the woman tells the partner immediately after the deed to make the partner feel the pain. Like i said before, this is really stupid. After you’ve cheated this way, what next? A more than likely scenario is you regret it, since it was probably done in a fit of anger. As a result you lose out on what would have probably been a lifelong partnership.

A woman may also cheat because she wants to advance in life. Assume for a second, that this couple has financial problems and maybe the woman wants to get up through the stages in life quickly or get a job. I admit, we all know a lot of women who’ve advanced through life by “assuming the position”. So she sets her eyes on somebody who offers her what she wants and goes for it. Even if she does it once, she will forever, in the eyes of her man, be no different than a slut. Only difference is she pretends to have class. Whether it’s worth it in the long run or not is up to debate. But you should realize, the guy you slept with to advance your position now owns you! I’m sure you allude yourself that you’ve attained the independence you wanted, but you are no different than a sex slave. Anytime master wants sex, you have to give it to him else you’ll find yourself back where you started. I guess it’s a no-brainer which one is better, work towards your goal slowly but surely and be in charge of your fate, or skip stages and always live in the perpetual fear “master” will find a younger better looking slave and leave you out on the street on stage 1. But i guess it all depends on our individual definition of “independence”.

Another reason women cheat is, the sex sucks. Ok, i didn’t mention this one on the why men cheat entry, but it applies for both. When the partners aren’t compatible sexually but get really well emotionally, chances are one of you will stray. Most likely the partner that knows they’ve had it better or can have it better. Still, as i will keep insisting you have the option to call it quits and SHOULD always use it. 

If you’re going to cheat, please make sure you’re able to handle the consequences which more or less results in the loss of the relationship. Friendship is rarely retrievable in such circumstances. Anyway you had the option of breaking up amicably and you chose not to use it.

I believe I’ve absolved myself of the bias that may have seemed to be directed at womenfolk in general. Ladies, believe me. the only reason most people do a 9-5 is to have enough to please you and make you happy. Whether the ulterior motive is to have sex with as many women as possible, or to be able to have enough to please their partners, or attract a new partner, the world runs because of women. And i appreciate that. Now i’ll finish with a quote from Quagmire on family guy(surprising it’s him huh?):

A woman is a strong beautiful vibrant creature; a woman embraces life; a woman makes choices to make her life better
And with that i go back to my secluded little world of binary poetry.

Keep well my friends

Of things cheating and others emotions

This week i found myself in unfamiliar territory. You know, the type of stimuli you get exposed to for the first time in your life.
I know my friends may be surprised at how well I’m taking it; hell, even i am surprised at me. Had it been in 2009 or 2010 I’d be a series of frayed nerves and on the verge of emotional breakdown. But it’s 2012 and I’m a rock!

So, why am i still cheerful despite having gone through what should be a gut wrenching experience, a horrible breakup? I mean, i just broke up with my best-friend of many many many years, my confidante, and in gay terms – the love of my life! Maybe the experience was so shocking my systems shut down and rebooted on reserve energy where emotions don’t exist. So many maybes. Maybe I’m still in denial (but i know I’m not…at least i don’t think i am). Some part of me still cares, my inner child is probably pining for her, but the rest of me – pardon my french – just doesn’t give a fuck!

When Ben loves, he doesn’t do it half way, when Ben cares he doesn’t do it in small doses, when Ben gives he doesn’t do it in potions. He loves with his whole heart, he gives with his whole being. Loving with his whole being is the only thing he can give and the world can’t take that away from whom he gives it to.
He doesn’t just give it to just anyone, hell, he waited his whole life to give it to that special somebody and she blew it.

As the walls build up and get fortified, he realizes it’s gonna be a while before somebody else ever manages to scale them successfully. You see, normal Ben doesn’t just love anybody, he doesn’t just miss anybody. When Ben says he misses you, you better damned believe it he misses you. When he says he loves you, well bring out the band and give the 21 gun salute for you are part of the less than a handful! Ben’s love is not a diamond in the rough, it’s a fucking living planet in the emptiness of the cosmos…i.e hard to find…for the slow ones! Hell, he doesn’t like human beings that much!

Anyway enough of the third person speak, i relate better to my life if i look at it from a 3rd person perspective. But my biggest suspicion over why I’m not emotionally responding appropriately is my medication. Bipolar meds are built to control moods, and moods determine emotions. I’m thinking i stop taking them for a day or two to mourn, but nah. Moving on swiftly…

Cheating is the number one relationship breaker, so I’m led to believe, in the world. In my books cheating is the worst thing you could ever do to your other half(short of murder) and there is no coming back from that. I have written an article on why men cheat, so that base is covered, but why do women cheat?

From experience, women cheat for one or more of the following reasons:
a) she intentionally wants to hurt you
b) she’s emotionally/sexually attracted to somebody else
c) she got drunk
d) financial reasons

I would really love to go through them point by point, but really, there is no fucking excuse to cheat! Fuuuuck, just dump somebody! Save them the pain of being cheated on!

Only a stupid woman would cheat to hurt a guy! Do you realize a guy can go loco and fucking kill you and the ass wipe you’re cheating on him with? I mean why not just end it? I’m not the violent type but we see it all the time on the news. If a relationship has reached that plateau point why not fucking end it?  Isn’t that why cave people invented the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line?
I know it’s the emotions finally breaking through, but if you dumped me because you met somebody better(ha, as if) I’d understand, it was probably not meant to be.
If you cheat on me because you got drunk and one thing led to another, I’d understand, sure I’ll dump your cheap ass immediately but I’d understand. Drunk girls do the most stupid of things, we all know that, we’ve all been on the wrong end of a tequila overdose. But if you do it just to hurt me, what do you gain? The sex probably sucks but that is beside the point. You fuck somebody you don’t care about, somebody you wouldn’t have given the time or day just to prove a point?

Moving on, women also cheat for financial reasons too. Assume you are a couple and between you the money doesn’t seem enough. In comes this guy, a guy your woman would never give it up to under normal circumstances, but he is rich, he dangles a carrot and promises her a job if she gives it up to him, kuonja tu. And here I’m talking to the girls, y’all are just stupid! You know that? STUPID! With a capital S.T.U.P.I.D! Everyone knows those jobs never work out but you are so stupid as to leave or cheat on somebody you love, somebody with promise and would give the world just for you, based on some stupid promise!

Jeez for Christ’s sake, what the FUCK is going through your minds? Pussy is just pussy where no emotion is involved! And take my word for it, from a guy, it’s the cunt count that matters in such circumstances! All we want is the bragging rights. When a guy loves you, he doesn’t do it because you’re the only one who will give it up to him, he does it because you’re all that matters! So next time you’re walking around feeling sweet like you got a golden hymen, remember, you are not that special!!

I’ll stray a bit. For a young couple with no kids, financial constraints are at most(should be) just a stumbling block. You always have the option of moving in together to save on rent and other expenses. But remember you have a lifetime ahead of you to build on the financial bit. Nothing ever comes easy for most people, if you want to live the fast life you have to work towards it, don’t take any shortcuts. Shortcuts only lead to disaster and in many cases jail time.

I have never understood why most people assume that one day you will wake up and everything will be sorted out. The journey to the top takes blood, sweat and tears. But really that is a concept many women will never understand. They are pretty much happy to be the trophy girlfriend or clande, not realizing thousands of girls are hitting 18 everyday, and their nectar is much fresher and innocent and their boobs perkier than your wrinkly ass, so you will get replaced sooner than you think, and what will you do then? Try to rebuild the bridges you burnt?

People, this world we live in, is a mean motherfucker! It will eat you up and spit you if you’re not careful. Be careful the toes you step on, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
I believe I covered this in the why men cheat article but women, you are responsible for the monsters men become! Men are emotional beings too, very emotional, but destroy that part and you and your gender become just life support for pussy and adding notches to the bedpost. So beware lest your stupidity becomes the undoing of your gender.

There is never an excuse for cheating whether a dude or a chick. Remember, you always have the option of breaking up first if you feel the need to have sex with other people. Don’t create a monster. Don’t destroy another human emotionally…some things can’t be fixed, especially not with an ‘i’m sorry’!

And at that, I’ll go back to my happy little world of binary poetry.
Keep well my friends

You’ve got to learn to wait

This should fall under the write thinking category or matatu ride one, but i lose track sometimes. This was a story as it was narrated by one of the passengers in the matatu i was in, but i’ll do it as a first person narration; since i realized it will/might make more sense that way.
Disclaimer: The entire narrative was in Swahili so some details are lost in translation. Plus it was a conversation
 Here goes… Psst…names have been changed by the way…ok, now here goes for real….

 Eric became MP in 1997 and was subsequently made a minister in the Moi government. As you all know being an MP at that time came with a lot of perks. He was in charge of roads and development. Nowadays Eric drives an old Mitsubishi Lancer and sells water to residents in his area for 3 shillings. What’s worse, he can’t afford to hire somebody to do it for him, so he does the selling personally. His wife works at a certain TSC branch in Nairobi, so the family is not that well off.
So what happened? In 2002 Eric, like many other MPs from the Moi government(Not many enough – Ed), lost his seat and that is where his problems began. You see, Eric never brought any significant development to his constituency. When electricity was brought in, it was because he had to get it to his house, and that was as far as that project went. When he dug a bore-hole, it was in his compound – which is where he gets the water he is selling to the residents.
As you can tell, Eric’s problems stem from the fact that people’s curses have weight. When he was in the ministerial position he lived like there’s no tomorrow and therefore never saved anything. On the up side Eric has connections with the police and administration police(AP) and he is able to get people into the force. He used this strategy to help him garner votes for the 2002 election…though it didn’t go that well for him because he got 26…yes TWENY SIX votes in the 2002 elections IN THE WHOLE CONSTITUENCY! Anyway, whaat he does is this, he takes note of the families that have relatives who need employment, and he takes his forms and goes to the family and get’s the jobless “kids” employed. But as you noted before, that strategy didn’t work(It sucked ass – ed).
One incident in particular messed it up for him, there is this family where the father has over 30kids, so he approached the with 3police forms and 4AP forms and signed up seven sons. In his strategy drawing board he figured that he’d he would get at least 50 votes from that household alone. The flaw in the logic stemmed from the fact that other residents saw it as favoritism; how could one household get so many entries while the rest of the community was languishing in poverty and joblessness.
Anyway, I had finished campus, doing a course in electrical engineering, and needed a job. So i approached him for a job and he gave me forms for joining the police force! Me! A university graduate becoming a lowly police officer getting 11k a month, GROSS(grooss, i.e., net + deductions – ed)! I turned down the offer since i would rather stay at home unemployed than waste my degree with the police. I mean, he could have offered to get me in the army or something!
My friend, John, from campus, who did mechanical engineering, took up his offer and joined the police force. As for me, I eventually got a good job in the aviation industry, but my friend…not so cool. John had been in the force for a bit when he got frustrated. One day he was walking along Jogoo road, and he tried to stop some cars(didn’t think to ask why he tried to stop the car- ed). None stopped, so he got pissed off, took his gun off safe, switched it to rapid fire and opened fire on the vehicles.

You see, he was frustrated why he had a degree in mechanical engineering and had to work his ass off carrying a freaking G3 rifle with all its heaviness and risk his life everyday for peanuts. His fellow police officers had to wait for the bullets to run out before restraining him because there was a big risk of him killing them had they attempted to calm him while his gun still had ammo.

Fortunately nobody had been hurt during the rant, just damaged vehicles. After he had been restrained and arrested, John was put through a mental checkup and was put in Mathare hospital(an asylum/mental hospital in Nairobi). Upon further enquiry, I found out why John had become frustrated.

In Kiganjo(Police training academy) they don’t allow calls to the cadets from outside. It so happened that John had been called for a job to head the department of a very large company in Eldoret. At the time he had been a cadet. The company tried to contact him in vain and even called his next of kin. But his father had informed the company that he(John) had gotten another job elsewhere and didn’t need that one. After that the family had set aside the invitation letter and forgot the story. So john had found out way later from friends about it. He took leave from work and contacted the company but found out his position had been filled in long ago and there was nothing more they could do for him.

After that it was all downhill for him. John has several siblings all with degrees and very good jobs. They are based all around the world, USA, Australia etc and they called him from time to time to update him on their status, and here he was, a lowly police officer(just because it says lowly shouldn’t imply they are, they’re why you sleep soundly at night, they are poorly paid though 😦 – ed). So he thought himself as the black sheep of his family, this coupled with the success of his siblings and his own lost opportunities really frustrated him. The second time he flipped and was admitted into the asylum again i was called in as his friend, together with his father.

As it turned out, John had grown up in affluence, he’d never known poverty and his father was pretty well off. In the meeting it emanated that the main reason John was frustrated was because he wasn’t doing what he loved. The senior police were actually surprised when they learned of John’s qualifications and it was agreed that they should transfer him to a department where he didn’t really have to interact with people and and also find him something where he’d get the chance to use his academic qualifications.
He was transferred to the department of motor vehicles and he was put in as a supervisor. After that John’s mental health improved and he seemed to love what he was doing. After he started slowly going up the ranks and today John is a senior in the department of motor vehicles for the police and rakes in quite a lot of money, a far cry from his first years in the force. [end of story]

What does John’s story teach us? It teaches us that in life we have opportunities available, but we have to be patient and smart. John, in this story, is an exception in that he ended up in the place that best suited him. Most people rarely get that second chance. So people, we have to be careful in the decisions we make. It is really important that we follow our hearts. Desperation most of the time does not end well. If you jump without thinking you are almost always bound to hurt yourself.

[ed note]
The first half of the story was written almost immediately after the narration by a stranger on a matatu. The second half was finished about 2or 3 months later so there some discrepancies in the narration due to some bits of the story getting forgotten, and it has been greatly shortened, but the moral still stands, you’ve got to learn to wait. The road may be hard and bumpy at first but stick to your guns, follow what you want and eventually you will achieve it.

Keep well mes amies.