HAVING AN OBEDIENT WIFE and kids who flinch and hide in the corner of the room when you come home is the hallmark of a successful family. Since having a well tempered wife is essential to asserting one’s manliness, here is a quick guide to finding and training your new wife.
WHERE TO FIND A WOMAN Bringing a woman into your home is a life-altering decision that requires careful consideration. Before you make the financial, social, and time commitment to adopt a woman, ask yourself if you’re ready for the ongoing responsibility. Once you’ve decided that a woman is right for you, the first step is to find one. Here are a few places to start your search:
Most women can be found in malls—large shopping establishments that can be found in most major cities. Malls are rife with idle women ready for the picking. You can find women of different builds depending on which area of the mall you look in. For example, looking in trendy or novelty clothing stores will yield a younger, valley-girl type of woman, whereas if you look in the food court, you will usually find a larger breed of woman with thicker thighs that are more suitable for birthing.
College campuses are a great resource for men in the market for women who come fixed. Females on university campuses are likely to be in heat, in good health, and anxious to leave the confinement of their self imposed academic prisons. Since stock models of these women come sterile, they’re ideal for men who are looking to avoid undesirable sexually transmitted diseases(namely children).
If women are like steaks, then the big greasy chunks of gristle that are left over after you finish the meal are what you’ll find in bars. Fortunately, there is a way to separate out the high-quality women from the low in bars and clubs. When you stand near a woman, listen for a faint whistling noise coming from between her legs, as if wind were passing through a large, hollow cavern. If you hear this sound, your prospective woman may have a condition commonly referred to as “whore.” Be wary of these women, as clubs tend to harbor many of them.
TYPES OF WOMEN Once you find an establishment with women, the next step is to choose a woman that’s right for you based on your level of commitment. Surprisingly, not all women are the same; that is, women can vary greatly in intelligence, body type, and personality. The following is a list of the most common classifications of women.
BLONDES: This type of woman is energetic and enthusiastic. These personality traits will wear thin after a couple of minutes and will transform into another personality trait known as “annoying.” Blondes love to laugh, drink, and hang out in bars, and as such have a propensity to be loose. Women with blond hair tend to have overtanned skin and blue eyes, which are seen as desirable physical traits by some men. This desirability is fueled by the music and television industries; so this type of woman is greatly sought after. Some analysts believe that, due to overvaluation, the market for blondes is about to burst.
BRUNETTES: As a rule of thumb, brunettes are more meek than their blonde counterparts, due to the higher perceived value of blondes. This underlying devaluation will occasionally manifest itself as “low self-esteem,” making brunettes more easily attainable. Unfortunately, not all brunettes are desirable, and the exceptions can be tragic. For example, the brunettes with lighter skin tend to sport especially noticeable moustaches, due to the dark color of their hair follicles. This type of woman may require a high level of maintenance to keep presentable.
REDHEADS: Redheads require a very assertive owner due to the trying natures of these women. For instance, most redheads are very combative with other women and even some men if you allow it to happen. The dominant nature of this breed may be undesirable to men with flimsy backbones.
NEW OWNER CHECKLIST After you select a woman, it’s important to go through the following checklist to make sure she is right for you:
• Is the woman’s body clean and well trimmed? Are her upper-lip, shoulders, and lower back clear of hair?
• Any unusual smells? For that matter, any “usual” smells?
•Any excess baggage? This could be fat, kids, or psychological issues.
• Does she have black fingernails, nappy looking hair, scar tissue around her wrists, bags under her eyes, or creepy pink thigh-high stockings? (All these say “head case.” Be wary these women can be exhilarating at times, but you’re just as likely to have your penis cut off in your sleep.)
• Are her shots and vaccinations current?
• Does she walk with a limp?
• Does she look like she’s been bred more than twice?
• Did you check to make sure she’s not wearing flip-flops?
BRINGING YOUR WOMAN HOME There are several preparations you need to make before bringing your woman home. This is done for the safety of your property and belongings, as well as to prevent any unexpected medical bills due to accidental ingestion of drugs or toxic substances that may be in your home.
If left unsupervised, you will find that most women will naturally find their way to the kitchen. Although your kitchen may appear to be safe at first, there are several potential risks that you need to be aware of. The most common accidents occur when pot handles are left hanging over the edge of the stove. Make sure to turn the handles toward the back of the stove, where she will be less likely to knock them over while she’s mopping the floors.
Make sure to keep medicine and supplements locked in cabinets. Some women have occasional fits of depression and may attempt to get attention by swallowing half a bottle of Tylenol. While this rarely poses a threat to the woman’s safety, Tylenol is expensive. One exception to this rule can be made with Midol, which you should leave in a candy dish in plain sight at least once per month. This will help keep your woman’s irritability in check. If you find that your woman is not consuming the Midol, you may consider mixing crushed tablets into her food.
BATHING TIPS: It’s important never to leave your woman alone in the tub, lest she slip and drown. Always stay with your Woman while she’s in the tub; you may even consider joining her. A long day of cooking and cleaning will make a woman filthy, so make sure to run an extra hot bath or shower, and scrub behind her ears and between her breasts-especially between her breasts. A woman’s chest is the filthiest part on her body and needs extra scrubbing to clean. Sometimes scrubbing isn’t enough, so you must use your mouth on her nipple pores to thoroughly clean your woman.
EXERCISE AND DIET
All women require some level of exercise and diet to keep fit and presentable. How much exercise a woman requires depends on several factors, including her body weight, frame, chest size, and self-esteem. For example, a woman with a low self-esteem will tend to overeat, causing her more weight gain than a woman with higher self-esteem.
Women with large busts require a type of exercise that consists of jogging, skipping, or jumping up and down on a trampoline. These types of exercise will help you determine your woman’s chest pliability. Some women with breast augmentations may show signs of discomfort while doing these exercises, in which case you should promptly exchange her for a natural model that won’t suffer from boulder tit syndrome.
Managing your woman’s diet won’t be simple, but can be accomplished by giving her less food. If your woman seems irritable with less food, try supplementing her meals with unflattering comments about her hips and thighs. Failing that, you may need to bring another woman into the picture; nothing makes a woman shape up like the threat of another woman vying for your attention. With practice you’ll find that a woman’s jealousy can be used like a tool to manipulate her into doing all sorts of things to gain your praise.
It’s also important to feed your woman high-quality food to prevent infections and other undesirable effects such as upset stomach, diarrhea, and bitching. Feeding her filler foods (i.e., Taco Bell) may cause parasites to invade her body. If you suspect that this is the case, have a stool sample checked for worms by a qualified physician.
HOUSE TRAINING YOUR WOMAN
Upon bringing your woman home, house training should be one of your top priorities. The key to effective house training is implementing a reward-counter reward system to encourage good behavior and discourage bad behavior.
A great deal of supervision and patience is required while training your woman to relieve herself properly. She may complain about finding the toilet seat up, but she will eventually learn that she can put the toilet seat down with a fraction of the energy she’d expend complaining about it.
You should reward her good behavior by giving her treats such as flowers (keep your eye out for half-off sales, or if you don’t mind carnations, stop by a cemetery), TV allowances that she can use to watch her favorite shows when you’re not home, and if you’re feeling particularly generous, you could let her take you out to dinner instead of cooking for you.
If an accident should occur, you must exercise care not to overdo your punishment while still sending her a message that this is unacceptable behavior. Make sure that whatever command you say will be simple enough for her to remember easily. These tips taken together will help make your ownership experience a good one.